


walking a tightrope with you

by parkrstark



Series: Stony Bingo [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Pre-Slash, Sharing a Bed, but not really pre-slash, the first move maybe?, they bunked together in clint's farmhouse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkrstark/pseuds/parkrstark
Summary: "Out of all of them, she chose you. She made me see you dying because of me, unable to do anything. But it it wasn’t losing the world that scared me, Steve. It was losingyou.”Tony sighed, staring at Steve’s peaceful face, his very beautiful face. “Not that I ever had you in the first place, so how do I lose something I never had?” He laughed again, even though there was a pain in his heart too sharp to bear. “Isn’t that ironic? Tony Stark can have anything he wants if he asks. Everything except the one thing he wants more than anything else.”He paused.“That’s you, Steve.”(Maybe, one day, Tony will tell this to Steve, and maybe, he'll be awake to hear it.)
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Stony Bingo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883416
Comments: 15
Kudos: 188





	walking a tightrope with you

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be "lol we all know steve and tony fucked in the farmhouse" but turned into something much more. I also listened to tightrope from the greatest showman on repeat while writing this, so that's where the title comes from: "Hand in my hand and you promised to never let go. We're walking the tightrope..." this song is stony and it makes my heart melt
> 
> Written for my stony bingo prompt, canon divergence!

“I believe I chose Nat when we were asked who we wanted to bunk with,” Tony said, walking into the small room he now had to share with none other than Steve Rogers. Mr. Big, Blonde, and Beautiful, himself. 

“Something tells me she’s happier with Bruce.” Steve’s shoulders were tight as he made his way into the room. It was one of the children’s from the look of the toys and tiny furniture around the room. 

“Eh, I coulda braided her hair. Painted her nails.” Tony shrugged his shoulders, sliding his hands into his pockets. 

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Where’d you learn to braid hair?”

“You’re not the only one with secrets, Cap.” 

Steve sighed. “Tony, I don’t want to argue with you. Especially when neither of us have a place to go after.” 

Tony watched him as he pulled his shield off of his back, leaned it up against the wall, and then started to take off his uniform. The minute he saw Steve’s back in the white tank top, he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He didn’t get his voice back until Steve stripped down his boxers. “What’re you doing?” 

Steve turned around, and holy shit, Tony felt the blood rushing south immediately. “Do you expect me to sleep with my shield on my back?”

“If it keeps you on your side of the bed, please,” Tony turned around, trying to play it off casually. 

“Clint didn’t have anything in my size. I’ll sleep on the floor if it bothers you.” 

Tony challenged him by pulling off his sweatpants and shirt as well. His body was nowhere as chiseled as Steve’s, but he kept in well enough shape. “Don’t confuse me for a prude, Rogers.” 

“Not. Just forget not everyone was as once a soldier, sleeping in ditches with 50 other men.” 

“Sounds like a great time to me,” Tony said, throwing him a wink. Tony smiled as he noticed the way Steve’s entire body, from his chest to his ears, turn pink. “Oh, you’re definitely Irish.”

Steve gave him a confused look and Tony just widened his grin and gestured to him. “You’re the color of a strawberry.” 

“I’m going to bed,” Steve said once he realized what Tony was saying. He walked over to the small bed. He scooted close to the wall, giving Tony as much room as possible.” His shoulders stayed tense as he laid down and curled up as tight as he could. 

Tony hesitated before getting into bed behind him. He noticed Steve’s shoulders grow even tenser. Biting his lip, Tony laid his back, debating on whether or not he should try to say anything. “I don’t take up that much room, you know.” 

“I know,” Steve said, still not moving. “You’re kinda tiny.” 

Tony blinked, trying to figure out if he actually heard Steve say that. “I’m sorry, did you just call me  _ tiny?  _ You can’t talk when you were 4 foot nothing before your little taste of steroids.”

“Whatever, Tony,” Steve said, though his voice sounded far from cold. He sounded amused even. His shoulders were just as tense. 

“Are you really not going to budge?” 

“Goodnight, Tony.” 

“I’m just saying that I don’t have cooties. I don’t bite. Unless you want me to.” 

Steve didn’t even laugh. 

“Was your little vision about sharing a bed with me? You’ve heard the stories. They probably scare you, right? Is that why you don’t want to tell me? Because it was about me?” Tony really didn’t think it had a thing to do with him, but he thought it was the only way to get Steve to crack. Just keep picking at him until he explodes. 

“Why do you insist that I saw something?” Steve almost whispered. 

“Because we  _ all  _ saw something. Even I’ll admit that. And I know you saw something. I’m just wondering why you weren’t phased. At all. Even Natasha was pretty bad.” Tony had never seen her so quiet as she had been on the Quinjet. It was scary to see something do that to Nat. 

“Sorry I’m not as emotionally weak as you thought I’d be,” Steve snapped, his lighthearted tone completely gone. 

“Woah, I’m not saying anyone is weak. Especially Natasha. Partly because if she heard me say that, she’d castrate me in this very bed before I woke up.” He shivered at the thought of getting on her bad side. 

“She has a tough past. I can’t even imagine what they used against her.” 

“Sure, she does. But so do you.” Tony sighed, turning on his side to face Steve even though Steve was still face away. “I don’t understand why you’re so intent on hiding that.” 

Steve finally shifted on his side to face him too. He didn’t look surprised to see Tony facing him. “I don’t know why you care so much about what I saw.” 

“Don’t you want to know mine?” Tony asked instead. “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” 

“I don’t want to know because it’s private. It’s in our heads for a reason. That girl had no right rummaging through our minds to find something to make us afraid. She’s the coward. Not us.” Then Steve was back on his other side, facing the wall. 

Tony sighed heavily, flopping onto his back. He knew the conversation was over, but he still wondered what the hell Steve saw. It didn’t make sense. Steve had always been the perfect, stoic soldier. Not even the strongest winds could shake him. At least, that’s the kind of poetic Howard would wax about the great Captain America. 

And that was either true, that not even the worst nightmare from his own imagination could make him waver. Or he was so horrified by the vision that it shut him down. 

Tony wasn’t sure which was worse. 

Tony wasn’t one to give up, but he knew when to desist temporarily. So he stopped bugging him for the night. Just for the night. Steve seemed to welcome the quiet because not before long, he was sound asleep. 

Tony only knew because finally, his shoulders were relaxed, and of course, the snores. They were quiet and broke through the silence only every few minutes, but they were still loud enough to keep Tony from falling asleep. Not that he minded. 

It reminded him of his MIT days when he’d spend his nights falling asleep to Rhodey’s snores coming from the bunk above him. 

Except Rhodey’s snores were loud and nowhere near as cute as Steve’s sounded. Tony turned back to face Steve, unable to believe those words even crossed his mind. Never in a million years did he ever think he’d call anyone’s snores  _ cute  _ and mean it. 

But here he was. And there Steve was. 

Together but a million miles apart in every distance except physical. 

“What am I gonna do with you, Steve?”

Probably let him fill his mind and heart, keeping it all contained, never breathing a word about it to him. He’d close his eyes and that was as close as he was ever going to get to having Steve. Because Steve didn’t trust him, not after all the constant mistakes he made. Even if his intentions were only for the best, they still ended up wrong. Every single fucking time. 

Steve knew that. He didn’t want a man like him. Even if he did, Steve deserved better. 

“Maybe that’s why I want to know what you saw so badly,” Tony whispered. “Maybe if I saw your evil...your worst...I’d see something that would show me that I have a chance. Make me feel just a little less crappy about myself.” 

Tony watched the way his chest rose and fell as he continued to sleep, unaware of the poetic  _ Tony  _ was now waxing. 

“You’re...the most infuriating man I’ve ever met, Steve Rogers. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on.” Tony chuckled into the night. “But you’re more than that and I still don’t understand. I doubt I ever will. You’re perfect in every sense of the word. You don’t even have a bad dream to hide from. Me...I’ve got so many of them, she probably had a hard time choosing.  But out of all of them, she chose you. She made me see you dying because of me, unable to do anything.

"But it it wasn’t losing the world that scared me, Steve. It was losing  _ you.”  _ Tony sighed, staring at Steve’s peaceful face, his very beautiful face. “Not that I ever had you in the first place, so how do I lose something I never had?”  He laughed again, even though there was a pain in his heart too sharp to bear. “Isn’t that ironic? Tony Stark can have  _ anything  _ he wants if he asks.  _ Everything  _ except the one thing he wants more than anything else.” 

He paused. 

“That’s you, Steve.” 

He paused again, this time holding his breath. 

Then he cleared his throat. “You know, this is usually the part where the love interest opens their eyes, having been pretending to sleep, and revealing that they heard the emotionally compromised protagonist pour out their heart and soul.” 

Steve was silent. Not even a snore.

“Yeah. I didn’t think so either.” 

Tony rolled over and was intent on not staring on Steve while he slept anymore. He only had his own eyes shut a moment before a whimper had snapping them open again. It was so quiet, he almost thought he imagined it. So he stayed still, waiting until he heard it again. And when he did, he rolled over and sat up. 

Steve was laying on his back, one hand gripping the blanket covering him, and the other was pressed against his mouth. It was almost like he was trying to silence his cries even in his unconsciousness. 

“Steve...hey. Wake up.” Tony kept his hands to himself, avoiding touching Steve. 

Steve whimpered again, kicking his feet now. His head snapped to the other side of the pillow and his hand could no longer muffle his cries. His shout was wordless, but it was raw, and it was enough to wake himself up. 

Tony could only watch as Steve shot up in bed, choked on another cry, and struggled to maintain his breathing. He was leaning over his legs that were now crossed, making him look so small and so big at the same time. 

Steve had done this before, Tony knew it. He knew by the way he was able to regulate his breathing fairly easy with a practiced technique. It took a minute for Tony’s ears to figure out what he was saying, but when they did, it was the only thing he  _ could  _ hear. 

“--my legs, my blanket, the light shining through the window.” His hands fumbled until they grabbed onto the blanket again and then trailed along his body as he voiced everything he touched. “The blanket, my shirt, my collar bone, my cheeks.” 

Tony had never used this coping mechanism himself, his anxiety never got this bad. But he’d seen it before, though now he couldn’t place where. 

Steve continued on, his eyes were closed again, but he was much calmer. “My voice, the crickets outside, Tony’s heart…” 

“Can you distinguish my heart from other hearts or are you just assuming it’s mine since I’m the only other person in the room?”

Tony shouldn’t have done that because he should have known Steve didn’t know he was awake. And well, of course, he did know that really because there was no way Steve would be so vulnerable. 

Steve jumped, his back hit the wall with a bang. His eyes were blown wide and his breathing was picking up again. “T-Tony.” 

“That’s me, buttercup.” Tony cursed himself after the words left his mouth. Steve was hurting. He was trying to pull himself out of an anxiety inducing nightmare, and Tony was being a sarcastic asshole because he couldn’t function emotionally. 

“I didn’t know-- I’m sorry-- If I woke you. I didn’t--.” Steve shook his head, giving up on forming on any kid of sentence. 

“Hey, don’t worry,” Tony softened his voice. “I was already awake.” 

Steve nodded, looking anywhere but Tony’s face. Then he was taking the blanket off of himself and going to crawl out of the bed. Tony grabbed his arm before he could and Steve’s head whipped to stare at his hand. Tony pulled it back. “Sorry-- I’m sorry.” 

Steve didn’t look back up at him, but he didn’t move away again. 

“Where are you going?” Tony asked, trying not to startle Steve again. 

“I’ll leave you be.” 

“And go where? Sleep on the roof? Don’t be ridiculous, Steve. You’re not bothering me.” Tony wanted to grab his hand and pull him back to bed. “Please lay back down.” 

“I’m not going to bed,” Steve said quickly. “I’m fine. It’s time for me to start the day anyway.” 

Tony stared at him incredulously. “Start the day? It’s barely 3am, Cap. Not even the roosters are up yet.” 

“I don’t want to sleep,” Steve said quietly, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

Tony nodded his head, even though Steve couldn’t see him. “That’s fine. Sleeping is usually the last thing I do in bed anyway.” 

Steve squeezed his eyes shut, and when he spoke, his voice cracked, “Please don’t make any jokes. Not right now.” 

Tony cleared his throat. “Right. Sorry. Force of habit to be an asshole.” 

Steve was silent again. Tony missed his snores, when he was peacefully sleeping. 

“What? No, ‘You’re not an asshole, Tony.’?” Tony paused a moment. “Right. No joking.” Tony wasn’t sure what else to do. If Steve was asleep, he could act like a normal human being with a soul, but the moment, he was awake, he couldn’t even last two minutes. 

“I saw something,” Steve said after a long moment of awkward silence. “And here’s proof that I didn’t come out of it alright.”   
“I’m sorry,” Tony said earnestly. “I shouldn’t have pushed.” 

“No,” Steve said. “I’m glad you did.” He was too busy staring down at the blanket wrapped around himself to notice the confusion on Tony’s face. “Sometimes I feel so out of place in this century. Everyone I knew...they’re  _ then,  _ and sometimes, I lose myself trying to go back.” 

Tony wondered if he saw something from his past. Maybe his nightmare was just a continuation of what that witch made him see. 

“I don’t belong there though. Not anymore. Time didn’t stop when I went into the ice. And now that I’m here...I didn’t feel like I belong here. Not until you came along and made me feel like someone in this time period cared about me and would care if I froze another 70 years.” 

“Of course,” Tony said, begging himself not to mess this up when Steve was the one pouring his heart out. 

“You gave me a home, and I can never thank you enough for that.” He finally looked back up, and Tony couldn’t believe his eyes were teary. He’d never seen him cry. “And maybe one day...I’ll be able to tell you what she showed me. I want to, but…” 

Tony didn’t let him finish. “No. It’s fine. Take your time. Don’t push yourself.” 

Steve nodded his head once and then shifted on the bed. “Thank you.” 

“Do you want me to go? Would you feel more comfortable having the bed to yourself?” Tony couldn’t promise he’d be able to keep from touching him in his sleep. “I can take a pillow and sheet to the carpet.” 

“No,” Steve said quickly. “Can you--stay here. Please?”

“Of course,” Tony said again, laying back down and getting comfortable again. He didn’t rush Steve or pressure him; he shut his eyes and waited for Steve to follow him in a horizontal position. 

Steve shifted in bed for a moment before he settled. 

Tony smiled. “Goodnight, Steve.” 

“Goodnight, Tony.” Steve’s soft voice was followed by his fingers brushing against Tony’s once so he could probably play it off as an accident if he wanted to. 

But Tony reached for his hand again and intertwined their fingers. Steve held back tight and Tony didn’t let go. He peaked an eye open after a few moments, so Steve wouldn’t see him staring and he smiled at Steve, caressing his hand gently with his thumb. 

Maybe one day he’d tell Steve how he felt again, and hopefully, that time, he’d be awake. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote so much today trying to ignore/drown out those inner demons so i hope this is good. I couldn't write and edit as well as I'd like to, but I'm actually not disappointed with it.
> 
> Until next time,


End file.
